grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
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There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Snapes on a plane.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
#winning
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird