grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
You Might Also Like
Why does laundry happen to good people?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
✌️
