Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em