What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
You Might Also Like
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much