[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
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Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The Compass
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.