Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
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Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
How wrong was this guy?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.