[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
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[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
“Great, now I have to pee.”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.