[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
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“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.