[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

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Dude went to the Yosemite Sam school of how to deal with critters.


HR: You’re late. Do you even know what time it is?

Thor: Hammer time?

HR: Get out.


[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-



[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-



Whoever named The Great Depression in 1929 probably didn’t anticipate my life in 2019.


Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.


Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?


“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist


If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.


hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-


I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was