grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
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BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Wait a minute
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.