@CaucasianJames

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

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@Smethanie

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

@dlicj

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

@Bandersnaaatch

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

@stockejock

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

@Jerrypleasure

me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate

wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers

me: done

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

@Nyx422

My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.

So I wore an adult onesie.

Guess I won this round.