“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
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My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
This concludes your parenting course.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate
wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Me: bro, spot me
Guy at next urinal: no
Wrong answers only
My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.
So I wore an adult onesie.
Guess I won this round.