Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

This is the coolest video you will see today.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

I don’t know what to do

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc