Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

Wikigenius

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

Barbie gone wild

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes