[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
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Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
This could be us… but you playing
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity