@mela_shea

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

You Might Also Like

@HomeWithPeanut

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

@ClickBaite

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

@KalvinMacleod

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

@ThisOneSayz

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

@audipenny

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

@StellaGMaddox

My husband purchased his 4th book about a wife whose husband murders her for having an affair. I wonder if I should warn my boyfriend.

@Jeff_G_Nixon

3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret

“What it is, sweetie?”

3: [shouting] I POOPED!

“Do you know what a secret is?”

3: [whispering] no.

@bourgeoisalien

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

@JustMeTurtle

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

@weirdralph

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”