[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

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Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.


Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now


ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing


*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.


Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!


person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON


My husband purchased his 4th book about a wife whose husband murders her for having an affair. I wonder if I should warn my boyfriend.


3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret

“What it is, sweetie?”

3: [shouting] I POOPED!

“Do you know what a secret is?”

3: [whispering] no.


It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go


My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.


They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”