Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
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Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I wanna be friends with this person
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
life finds a way
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.