Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
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EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED