Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
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Every time.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Whoops
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.