Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

These 3D printers are insane!

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.