Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”