Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
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friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.