Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
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Just grow your own
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs