Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

why does this building look like a guilty dog

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

whatcha thinkin bout

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

The Sun’s probably Asian.