[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
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Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Natural selection at its finest
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.