Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Natural selection at its finest

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.