Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

? 💀

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.