Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Practicing safe sax

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

Fries, not lies.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.