Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn