Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

I have never heard an armadillo before.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.