“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Trying
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
What personal space?
My dog
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I put the mess in domestic.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”