Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it