Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Oh yeah that’s it

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that