[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
You Might Also Like
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.