@Ygrene

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

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@PaperWash

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

@FredTaming

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

@wittwitbarista

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

@CruisinSoozan

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

@sweetmomissa

Can’t. Bribing my kids to dress up as mimes for Halloween this year so I have one evening of quiet.

@jjhartinger

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

@OfNorthAmerica

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

@caperbc75

Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson’s Black Cat blew your Grandma’s pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.

@HenpeckedHal

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.