[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

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if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito


airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home


Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.


The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.


After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.


Can’t. Bribing my kids to dress up as mimes for Halloween this year so I have one evening of quiet.


Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.


I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.


Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson’s Black Cat blew your Grandma’s pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.


I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.