Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….