[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
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Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.