Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

Greeting humans vs their dogs

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

want me to check your oil?

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.