[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
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decorating my apartment
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
and now we wait
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.