Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I laughed at this way too hard.

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.