Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Mood.. 😂

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

Revenge served cold

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.