Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Follow me for more fitness tips.

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

They’re really bad with fonts.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.