Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

presenting your incognito window wrapped

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

giddy up Office Depot

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.