Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

They must have gotten it to go.

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.