Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand