Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
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Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register