Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside