Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

(grounding my kid) go outside.

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

Donkey Kong sommelier