[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
