[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
