Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

Why does laundry happen to good people?

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now