[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
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Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*