Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”