Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Butt weight. There’s more!

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.