Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Ok, milk… Check!
“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
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Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
cat: [eyes narrow] good
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”