[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday