@daemonic3

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

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@MrC2daG

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

@noog

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

@WORIDSTARHIPH0P

“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”

@PleaseBeGneiss

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

@UncleDuke1969

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

@sarcasticmommy4

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

@FeverFlave

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

@tylerschmall

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”