Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
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I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.