Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
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What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin