Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.