Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
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Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
White parent Vs Arab parents
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
i prefer mine room temperature.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.