Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

🤣could you imagine

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.