Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Science is fun!

#nottrue

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.