Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

every. time.

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.