Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites