Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

what does he know…

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”