gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge