gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Kids: Stay in school.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.