gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
😜
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
ouch
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever