gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night