Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

Goat cheese is for herders.

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u