Gross if literal…Liverpool
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U talkin 2 me?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.