Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
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Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
