Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
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A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
Uh oh…
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead