Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
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I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?