Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
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“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
#DesignFail
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!