Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

“fuck you and the horse you rode in on” is a top tier saying like idk what the horse did but fuck them too for bringing ur ass here

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.