Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
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[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.